Depression

I don't really know why she left, the girl of my dreams, most likely sick of me, and the way my habits were. I thought I was better off, the person I am could get other girls, but she was right. I can't find someone for me, and every girl that I do find myself close to just forgets about me, or wants to be my best friend, ever. I can't get over the fact that I feel so lonely, and the people that tell me I don't need someone to be happy, all have someone.

There is an amazing girl I talk to everyday, and she usually talks to me, she usually texts me, and sometimes she will even call me. Today was different, and I am starting to doubt myself. I am starting to doubt the fact of what she said. I can't really put my finger on anything much anymore, and I really wish I could, but it's the price you pay for giving your heart away and never fully getting it back.

I miss Anna, and I am not going to lie. There are some points in my life where I couldn't give a fuck, but right now, I miss her, and like I said before, she is probably not thinking about me at all, and I couldn't care less. I am my own person and if people think that is pathetic, let them. I don't really talk to people much anymore about this, I never really have the strength to pull myself to it. I t might help with everything but I have felt so weak, mentally and physically that nothing really comes easy for me. Usually I would be able to brush off these feelings of Anna and move on but everything that is happening with this other girl, and the feelings I am feeling. (Mainly the feeling of being rejected.) The memories of Anna just knock down my walls I have built and barge in, catching me off guard.

It doesn't make it any better when I open the door to my friends car, and the scent that comes pouring out is, to anyone else, just the smell of his car, but to me, it's the scent of me and Anna looking out over the stars.
Me: "Look at that plane!"
Anna: "That's not a plane, ha ha!"
She laughed at me, and I kept trying to fight the fact that, that was a plane, even though it hadn't moved the entire time we were seated there in each other's arms. When we were all ready to leave. Dave had to drop Kayla off at her house, so we snuggled up in the back of Dave's green Denali. We were under a blanket, and I could feel her warm breath on my skin. It was getting near that time of the season where it started to grow colder and colder in the night, so I let her wear my hoody. We snuggled the entire time under the covers until we got to her house. We lied there for a little bit before I got up and walked her to the door. I can still remember her smile, and her kiss. She handed me back the hoody and gave me one last kiss before she headed back inside.

It's funny how a smell of a car can bring you back, so vivid, so perfect.

Where is my life going...