It's Been A While, Will You Rest With Me?

To Myself,

I know I haven't posted in a long while, and from now on I probably should. I am back at school and everything has been so hectic, and that raises my stress level. I hate when I am stressed out, on top of everything else. It sucks, and I really can never take it.

Tomorrow I get my refund check for almost 1,600 dollars, and I can't wait. I need new shoes and a new i Pod since Laura broke mine on accident. Things haven't been going so good, but when do things ever go great for me. I have been alone for almost 8 months now and I still can't find anyone that wants to take me. Ashley decided that she would rather be with her ex, and every girl I run into is never as good as Anna was, or still is. It's hard to really look for something when you are looking for someone that will blow you off your feet, that will make your hair stand straight up everytime you see that person, and honestly no one does it for me.

I am lost in an endless cycle and the only thing that can snap me out of that cycle is to just forget. If I had someone else, someone that I wanted to be with, someone that caught my eye and that always kept me on the edge of my seat, in a good way, then it would be easier to forget. So here I am, rejected again, and the only person I want is happily pregnant with someone else. Actually the only person I really want is one of my best friends, she is caring and amazing, and everything she does just makes me want to be around her more. I would love to tell her all this, and I would love to be with her but I know all we are ever going to be is friends. Her name is Krizzy, and she is amazing, she never seems bored of me, and she always has a smile on her face. I know that I some what have feelings for her because I love being around her, and I hate to see her upset. I don't dare tell her because frankly I am afraid of what she will say. I have told her before but all she wanted to be is friends, and I have a feeling thats all we ever will be, but I can hope that someday. (Whatever that means)

I have been writing a lot, sometimes more than others and I always feel bad when I don't write even though I love to write. I love the stories that I come up with, and how I execute them. I just hope that the story I am writing now, the novel, or whatever you want to call it, comes out good. The last one I wrote, when I was going through a tough break up with Anna was a pile of crap and I couldn't fix it. It might have been because when I was writing it I was somewhere else, worrying about her, and how I was going to get back with her, or how I was going to help her when she needed me. (and she alaways needed me.) Sometimes writing came easy over that summer but it usually never did, I must admit that I am glad that I am writing a lot better now that my mind is somewhat cleared.

I really would like to be in a relationship though, and I hate chasing these things down, because usually they come to me, well, the one I had did anyway.

Tomorrow I am going to pick up an i Pod touch and I am actually excited, that and my new phone which I am also excited for. I am really excited I don't have to pay that much for a great phone because my upgrade is right now. I am getting that and also shoes and a new skateboard, which I honestly need, my other one is so shitty that I can hardly stand to skate it. even though it is broken in and perfect for me. I always love the feeling of breaking in a new deck, and shoes.

I know I haven't written in a while, and right now it is really late. I really can't get to sleep, I have tried everything, listening to music, taking a shower, even playing some games, but nothing really has been working, and I can't stand not sleeping, it sucks. I want to know what to write about that way I can keep writing until the night pulls my eyes heavy and I have to go to bed.

I had a photo shoot yesterday, I am thinking about posting my favorite picture from the shoot at the end of the blog for everyone, mostly myself, to see. I had a photoshoot with Laura and she wanted to shoot me with my shirt off. I don't really think I look good with my shirt off, but that is just me. I don't think anything about me looks good at all and I would much rather have my shirt on where no one can see me. I am a very insecure person and I try not to be but I have always been that way, even when I had a gorgeous girlfriend that told me everyday that I was amazing, I still managed to get down on myself.

Thinking about it now is what makes me miss Anna, thinking about it and writing about it makes me miss her so much more than anything. And truthfully it's not even her, I mean she was amazing and goregeous, and she looked phenominal naked but it was about how she treated me. She always was there, and she always listened to me, even if I was ranting about the most stupid things. She would always have something smart to say to cheer me up. And she always, always, always used to say morning to me through a text.

I guess what I am trying to do is pick up from where I left off with Anna, but I know I can't and that's why every relationship opprtunity I get myself into I get out as soon as possible. Excpet for Ashley, she did everything that I loved without even me telling her, I could be myself around her and she always said morning too... Well she doesn't do it now, but she did. I guess I couldn't expect things to go on like that forever, and at some point it had to end, but I didn't want it to. I really didn't want it to...

Well I am starting to feel a bit weary and I think I am going to try to get some sleep. The pictures can wait for another blog. Until next time.