The "Rest" Of The Day

To myself,

I woke up to another text today. Today it was Anna, telling me about a dream she had today, a dream she had about me. In this dream, I broke up with her and she felt heart broken. I don't know what it is all supposed to mean, other than it's just a dream, and she feels the need to tell me.

So I just went on an internet site that tells me what dreams mean, and the dream Anna had meant that: "The dream refers to a freer, less encumbered, relationship, where the responsibilities of adult hood didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance."

Still I have no idea what this could mean, I am still trying to find out where my own life is going, and helping her really isn't doing me any good. I can't tell her that she's on my mind non-stop lately because she is so stubborn that she wouldn't try to help, or admit anything herself. So I keep it inside me, I keep it balled up into one large emotion. Maybe she wants to go back to the relationship she had? I have no idea, but all I know is that I have someone else on my mind, I have some one that I would rather see.

The funny part is both of them don't want anything to do with me.

I don't know what I am trying to do, I really need to stop being here, in my own house, sitting on my couch, on my spring break. I can't handle this... Everything that is going on with me and my mind is just swimming. I wish I could do something about all this, about the feelings that are back in my mind, the love I once had, that I thought was going to be in my life forever. I can't keep going on like this.

At some point I have to stop.

I doubt anyone wants to read this, but this is how I feel. I am sitting at home right now shirtless, in a pair of dark gym shorts writing on my blog. The only person in the house is Sandy, and I try as hard as I can not to say a damn thing to her. She has been in my life, as my Dad's girlfriend, for a long time and she thinks I am an idiot, less smarter than her, less then her. She doesn't respect anything that has to do with my sister or me, and this is when I wish I had someone like Anna, just to talk, to hang out with, someone that would take time out of their day to be a part of mine.

If it's not bad enough as it is, with sandy living in our house, my Dad doesn't act like my Dad anymore, he acts more like Sandy. He doesn't trust me at all, and he also thinks I am a retard.
"You know you are dense sometimes."
That's what he said to me last night, and truth is, I really am not a dense person. I am a lot smarter than a lot of people out there, just because I don't pull straight A's in school doesn't mean I am on the brink of retardation, and I wish they could see that, like my mom does, or my grandfather.

I love talking to my grandfather about things, and I really wish Anna could have met him before we had broken up. He is an amazing guy and never makes me feel less of myself when I talk to him, the only time that I do feel a bit "Less" is when he calls me Tony, or Scott, but my grandfather is almost 75 and his mind is going day by day...

I remember as a kid, my grandfather would always take me to some of these awesome shooting ranges, the greenery of the trees would surround me, and being only a kid, I found the size of the trees to be just fascinating how they would tower over top of me, raining down upon me with their green leaves. We would always walk on a single path, lined with large rocks, and wooden posts, tied off with rope to show the boundaries that couldn't be crossed. Everyone would stay quiet and still, and somewhere in the distance a loud cry of a horn and everyone would stop, take aim and shoot. Off in the distance sit a deer, not a real deer, but a mannequin deer, plush and standing for when the arrows hit it, they would pierce the tough brown skin of the mannequin.

This was my memory of my grandfather, I haven't seen him for at least two years, and the last time I saw him life was great, I had Anna, and I vowed to them that I was going to spend the rest of my God given life with her.

That didn't happen.

Well I think this is the end of this entry, but it won't be the last. Today I am recuperating, I have had three strenuous days of skateboarding, now I am going to rest.