Part 1. I need to change my genes, before they change me...

I have been confused.
Confused because nothing that enters my life stays long. And the things or people that do just kind of turn into routine instead of events.
I guess I'm writing this short message for myself, to really understand why it is that I am struggling. To really captivate the moment and study it. Study the reasons behind my brains unruly madness. And hopefully while reaching this epiphany I can start to really understand the way I am feeling.
Today I realized something... A branch of myself that truly needs to be noticed more. True feelings... Feelings that I have no control over. The feelings you forget about but they will always be there. These feelings carve a hole inside of you masking themselves inside your other emotions. You try to forget them, you try to destroy them but you can't.
They are with you forever. A type of scar that is burned into your genes, but a good scar... A good burn.
Something I have never experienced but I do now. I feel it now...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm dying... Can't you hear my cough?

Dear myself, not really anyone else...

But if anyone else is reading I am writing this from my email. I decided to write it on here because I am laying in bed ready to go to bed, and the sheer fact that I wanted to try it out.

It's nearly 5 and I just got done hanging with my new friend Corey. The kid is awesome and he is a great guy. Just like me, no one really notices or sees it. He is a great kid though and even if no girl can see that, and he needs to see that too. It's kind of hard to see what kind of person you are when you are being when you have a girl ruining everything.

This is what woman do...

Laura is being so fucked... And Vicky is just a fucking dog following her little pity parade, but the only thing Laura is good at is getting pissed that her life doesn't go the right way and she gets pissed when everyone doesn't make her the most important thing in their lives. This pisses me off because everything I do for them and tell them Laura wants to make it about her... She always wants it to be about her and Vicky just follows. It's not Vicky and I don't care what she says but that's not her... We haven't been as close as we usually are.

And on top of all of this I can't stop thinking about shit... I hate not having my mind under control because when I don't I can't write... And I love to write. I haven't been home in a little while and honestly I can't wait to go home this summer and piss off Sandy. Ha ha. But really I can't wait to see my mom and my sister.

I know I haven't been writing in this and I'm gonna try to start... It means a lot that I keep writing and there is no reason why I shouldn't. So this is the start of me writing. I am going to try at least... So don't hold it against me if I don't.

Because I probably won't...

Well I am feeling tired... I will hopefully write more tomorrow. Goodbye to myself.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Test

Test run.
That's all.
Goodbye.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

It's Been A While, Will You Rest With Me?

To Myself,

I know I haven't posted in a long while, and from now on I probably should. I am back at school and everything has been so hectic, and that raises my stress level. I hate when I am stressed out, on top of everything else. It sucks, and I really can never take it.

Tomorrow I get my refund check for almost 1,600 dollars, and I can't wait. I need new shoes and a new i Pod since Laura broke mine on accident. Things haven't been going so good, but when do things ever go great for me. I have been alone for almost 8 months now and I still can't find anyone that wants to take me. Ashley decided that she would rather be with her ex, and every girl I run into is never as good as Anna was, or still is. It's hard to really look for something when you are looking for someone that will blow you off your feet, that will make your hair stand straight up everytime you see that person, and honestly no one does it for me.

I am lost in an endless cycle and the only thing that can snap me out of that cycle is to just forget. If I had someone else, someone that I wanted to be with, someone that caught my eye and that always kept me on the edge of my seat, in a good way, then it would be easier to forget. So here I am, rejected again, and the only person I want is happily pregnant with someone else. Actually the only person I really want is one of my best friends, she is caring and amazing, and everything she does just makes me want to be around her more. I would love to tell her all this, and I would love to be with her but I know all we are ever going to be is friends. Her name is Krizzy, and she is amazing, she never seems bored of me, and she always has a smile on her face. I know that I some what have feelings for her because I love being around her, and I hate to see her upset. I don't dare tell her because frankly I am afraid of what she will say. I have told her before but all she wanted to be is friends, and I have a feeling thats all we ever will be, but I can hope that someday. (Whatever that means)

I have been writing a lot, sometimes more than others and I always feel bad when I don't write even though I love to write. I love the stories that I come up with, and how I execute them. I just hope that the story I am writing now, the novel, or whatever you want to call it, comes out good. The last one I wrote, when I was going through a tough break up with Anna was a pile of crap and I couldn't fix it. It might have been because when I was writing it I was somewhere else, worrying about her, and how I was going to get back with her, or how I was going to help her when she needed me. (and she alaways needed me.) Sometimes writing came easy over that summer but it usually never did, I must admit that I am glad that I am writing a lot better now that my mind is somewhat cleared.

I really would like to be in a relationship though, and I hate chasing these things down, because usually they come to me, well, the one I had did anyway.

Tomorrow I am going to pick up an i Pod touch and I am actually excited, that and my new phone which I am also excited for. I am really excited I don't have to pay that much for a great phone because my upgrade is right now. I am getting that and also shoes and a new skateboard, which I honestly need, my other one is so shitty that I can hardly stand to skate it. even though it is broken in and perfect for me. I always love the feeling of breaking in a new deck, and shoes.

I know I haven't written in a while, and right now it is really late. I really can't get to sleep, I have tried everything, listening to music, taking a shower, even playing some games, but nothing really has been working, and I can't stand not sleeping, it sucks. I want to know what to write about that way I can keep writing until the night pulls my eyes heavy and I have to go to bed.

I had a photo shoot yesterday, I am thinking about posting my favorite picture from the shoot at the end of the blog for everyone, mostly myself, to see. I had a photoshoot with Laura and she wanted to shoot me with my shirt off. I don't really think I look good with my shirt off, but that is just me. I don't think anything about me looks good at all and I would much rather have my shirt on where no one can see me. I am a very insecure person and I try not to be but I have always been that way, even when I had a gorgeous girlfriend that told me everyday that I was amazing, I still managed to get down on myself.

Thinking about it now is what makes me miss Anna, thinking about it and writing about it makes me miss her so much more than anything. And truthfully it's not even her, I mean she was amazing and goregeous, and she looked phenominal naked but it was about how she treated me. She always was there, and she always listened to me, even if I was ranting about the most stupid things. She would always have something smart to say to cheer me up. And she always, always, always used to say morning to me through a text.

I guess what I am trying to do is pick up from where I left off with Anna, but I know I can't and that's why every relationship opprtunity I get myself into I get out as soon as possible. Excpet for Ashley, she did everything that I loved without even me telling her, I could be myself around her and she always said morning too... Well she doesn't do it now, but she did. I guess I couldn't expect things to go on like that forever, and at some point it had to end, but I didn't want it to. I really didn't want it to...

Well I am starting to feel a bit weary and I think I am going to try to get some sleep. The pictures can wait for another blog. Until next time.

All You Need Is Love

To Myself,

All you need is love, love is all you need.

I have been obsessed with the Beatles lately and I must say the music has really helped me! Since:

The days have never looked so poor, well I guess that's just me, but that's what I think. I went to go visit my mother last night, and while I was there I got a text, a text from someone that usually makes my heart warm, that usually makes me smile. The text said something like, "Casey, Blah blah blah, I would rather get fucked and left in the cold then being with you." It's hard not to think about, the fact that the girl you've spent your last month with doesn't want to be with you, but she would rather get hurt more.

On top of that Anna texts me, to tell me, she has decided that she misses me. Lately she misses me, and I don't know what that is supposed to mean, she is pregnant, and this is just some fucking game. She is thinking about me and I am thinking about her, and if she didn't make some shitty decision I could still be struggling in the same relationship.

Yesterday I took a walk, and listened to the songs that always choke me up. I spent sometime walking before the tears actually started coming. I didn't want to cry, I really didn't I feel pathetic for crying about Anna. I walked down the the river, where Anna and I sat on the rocks and just sat there. The summer air catching our skin, kissing the sweat of our skin. At first it felt cool, but as the skin dried the air started to feel warm again, but not as warm as it usually would. Due to the river water, the wind would catch that and cool right down on the coast.

Anna she picks up a rock, the body of the gravel colored rock flat and smooth. Anna, she stands up and casts the rock out into the body of the river, but she doesn't throw it normally, she throws the rock on it's side. As the rock soars through the air above the river water, I look out at it, a spec in the shining summer air. The rock hits the water but doesn't sink, it skips, not once, not twice. The rock skips thrww times along the water before hopping once more and sinking into the cool deep body of water.

Anna loved to skip rocks.

So I pick one up and toss it once, mine doesn't skip once, and she laughs, and smiles, and it's alright that I didn't skip a rock because I didn't have to, she is everything I need from now on.

And now I don't have her.

All these memories are hard when you don't have new memories to make with someone new, and this is when you find out you were really in love, 3 years ago, you could have doubted it, you would have doubted it. But here I am 7 months in from a break up, she is pregnant, and I miss her more than anything.

The "Rest" Of The Day

To myself,

I woke up to another text today. Today it was Anna, telling me about a dream she had today, a dream she had about me. In this dream, I broke up with her and she felt heart broken. I don't know what it is all supposed to mean, other than it's just a dream, and she feels the need to tell me.

So I just went on an internet site that tells me what dreams mean, and the dream Anna had meant that: "The dream refers to a freer, less encumbered, relationship, where the responsibilities of adult hood didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance."

Still I have no idea what this could mean, I am still trying to find out where my own life is going, and helping her really isn't doing me any good. I can't tell her that she's on my mind non-stop lately because she is so stubborn that she wouldn't try to help, or admit anything herself. So I keep it inside me, I keep it balled up into one large emotion. Maybe she wants to go back to the relationship she had? I have no idea, but all I know is that I have someone else on my mind, I have some one that I would rather see.

The funny part is both of them don't want anything to do with me.

I don't know what I am trying to do, I really need to stop being here, in my own house, sitting on my couch, on my spring break. I can't handle this... Everything that is going on with me and my mind is just swimming. I wish I could do something about all this, about the feelings that are back in my mind, the love I once had, that I thought was going to be in my life forever. I can't keep going on like this.

At some point I have to stop.

I doubt anyone wants to read this, but this is how I feel. I am sitting at home right now shirtless, in a pair of dark gym shorts writing on my blog. The only person in the house is Sandy, and I try as hard as I can not to say a damn thing to her. She has been in my life, as my Dad's girlfriend, for a long time and she thinks I am an idiot, less smarter than her, less then her. She doesn't respect anything that has to do with my sister or me, and this is when I wish I had someone like Anna, just to talk, to hang out with, someone that would take time out of their day to be a part of mine.

If it's not bad enough as it is, with sandy living in our house, my Dad doesn't act like my Dad anymore, he acts more like Sandy. He doesn't trust me at all, and he also thinks I am a retard.
"You know you are dense sometimes."
That's what he said to me last night, and truth is, I really am not a dense person. I am a lot smarter than a lot of people out there, just because I don't pull straight A's in school doesn't mean I am on the brink of retardation, and I wish they could see that, like my mom does, or my grandfather.

I love talking to my grandfather about things, and I really wish Anna could have met him before we had broken up. He is an amazing guy and never makes me feel less of myself when I talk to him, the only time that I do feel a bit "Less" is when he calls me Tony, or Scott, but my grandfather is almost 75 and his mind is going day by day...

I remember as a kid, my grandfather would always take me to some of these awesome shooting ranges, the greenery of the trees would surround me, and being only a kid, I found the size of the trees to be just fascinating how they would tower over top of me, raining down upon me with their green leaves. We would always walk on a single path, lined with large rocks, and wooden posts, tied off with rope to show the boundaries that couldn't be crossed. Everyone would stay quiet and still, and somewhere in the distance a loud cry of a horn and everyone would stop, take aim and shoot. Off in the distance sit a deer, not a real deer, but a mannequin deer, plush and standing for when the arrows hit it, they would pierce the tough brown skin of the mannequin.

This was my memory of my grandfather, I haven't seen him for at least two years, and the last time I saw him life was great, I had Anna, and I vowed to them that I was going to spend the rest of my God given life with her.

That didn't happen.

Well I think this is the end of this entry, but it won't be the last. Today I am recuperating, I have had three strenuous days of skateboarding, now I am going to rest.

Depression

I don't really know why she left, the girl of my dreams, most likely sick of me, and the way my habits were. I thought I was better off, the person I am could get other girls, but she was right. I can't find someone for me, and every girl that I do find myself close to just forgets about me, or wants to be my best friend, ever. I can't get over the fact that I feel so lonely, and the people that tell me I don't need someone to be happy, all have someone.

There is an amazing girl I talk to everyday, and she usually talks to me, she usually texts me, and sometimes she will even call me. Today was different, and I am starting to doubt myself. I am starting to doubt the fact of what she said. I can't really put my finger on anything much anymore, and I really wish I could, but it's the price you pay for giving your heart away and never fully getting it back.

I miss Anna, and I am not going to lie. There are some points in my life where I couldn't give a fuck, but right now, I miss her, and like I said before, she is probably not thinking about me at all, and I couldn't care less. I am my own person and if people think that is pathetic, let them. I don't really talk to people much anymore about this, I never really have the strength to pull myself to it. I t might help with everything but I have felt so weak, mentally and physically that nothing really comes easy for me. Usually I would be able to brush off these feelings of Anna and move on but everything that is happening with this other girl, and the feelings I am feeling. (Mainly the feeling of being rejected.) The memories of Anna just knock down my walls I have built and barge in, catching me off guard.

It doesn't make it any better when I open the door to my friends car, and the scent that comes pouring out is, to anyone else, just the smell of his car, but to me, it's the scent of me and Anna looking out over the stars.
Me: "Look at that plane!"
Anna: "That's not a plane, ha ha!"
She laughed at me, and I kept trying to fight the fact that, that was a plane, even though it hadn't moved the entire time we were seated there in each other's arms. When we were all ready to leave. Dave had to drop Kayla off at her house, so we snuggled up in the back of Dave's green Denali. We were under a blanket, and I could feel her warm breath on my skin. It was getting near that time of the season where it started to grow colder and colder in the night, so I let her wear my hoody. We snuggled the entire time under the covers until we got to her house. We lied there for a little bit before I got up and walked her to the door. I can still remember her smile, and her kiss. She handed me back the hoody and gave me one last kiss before she headed back inside.

It's funny how a smell of a car can bring you back, so vivid, so perfect.

Where is my life going...

The Morning

To mainly myself,

Day one of the spring break, and I woke up just thirty minutes ago. I had some weird dream that I was watching my life played out on some movie theater, and I found the movie to be very interesting where everyone else found the movie to suck and be horrible. The movie didn't contain me, it was played by other actors that looked nothing like me, or the people in my life for the matter. Nothing out of the ordinary really happened in my dream, it wasn't some sort of nightmare, just another night where all my thoughts in my mind get balled up into one weird dream.

Now I am here, on my laptop going through each website on my toolbar, starting with Facebook, then Myspace, the MVCC website, and now I am here. I wanted to make sure this was on my tool bar and fairly high because like I said last night, I want to write in this everyday, maybe even twice a day. I need some consistency in my life, and I want to keep some sort of journal for myself, that doesn't involve writing with a pen or pencil, I do that enough in school. Plus this helps with my typing skills, which could be better since I always have learned to type with my two index fingers, but the surprise to that is I type really fast for only using those two fingers.

In technology class, during elementary school, I never really cared to learn the other way. I was a very stubborn child and still now am subborn, and I thought that if using my wo index fingers work better, well then, I might as well use them. And ever since then they have worked, for the most part. I am writing this right now, and it seems to get that job done.

It seems like every morning I'm getting woken up by some text message from a different person every morning, because usually people wake up earlier than me, and in that case I hope they do, I usually sleep in until my body feels it's time for me to wake up, none of that loud alarm bullshit. My sleep pattern couldn't be more off than it already is and I could change it this week but this is my week off and even a week wouldn't adjust my sleeping pattern.

I don't think I am deveolping some sort of insomnia, it's just that I really am not tired at night. Mainly because I can steal wireless internet downstairs and I hate being downstairs when my Father and his new wife are down here. It's not that I hate my Father by any means, I just hate his Wife. She has been in my life for, I want to say, five years now, and every day that goes by that she is still in it my life at home seems better, and better.

Well, I think I am done for now, I might post tonight if I am feeling up to it. Right now I need to eat something before my stomach digests itself.

A Memorial for My Mind.

To anyone, and mostly to myself,

This is my second post of the night, and most likely my last. I just wanted to let myself know, and whoever is reading, a little about what went on today, in my life.

I guess sleeping in was what I do best, the morning never excited me, and today nothing really changed. I woke up at 12:00, noon, somewhere around then. I guess if I am a couple minutes off it wouldn't matter too much. I woke up thinking about crap, usually always do, even though I live in my dreams, and my dreams are usually made up of what I want but can't have, I never wake up happy. When I do, I usually get up and check my phone, or am woken up by three loud beeps. The text usually says something like, "Morninnnng," or "Wake up dragon breath!" This makes me smile, but I haven't really smiled in over a half a year.

Bowl of cereal, and this is how my breakfast at home usually is. One bowl of cereal, nothing really more, even if I am hungry when I get done I try to hold back the temptation to eat so I can maintain some sort of figure I go to the gym everyday to acquire.

I usually start off my day by writing, if writing comes easy, and usually it has been, my mind has been clear, and my days have been great! I am receiving great grades in school and just recently received an "A" on my creative writing: fiction project. Which really excited me, it was a great accomplishment for me because it is an example of trying my hardest. Just the fact that getting an "A" on my own writing makes me feel amazing. Today I wrote, not much, at all, but I did write. I write slow, not usually, but this novel I am trying to take my time on. I am trying to create something greater than my first novel, which I need to edit and send out to publishers before I die.

My first novel is called Memorial.

The day was just filled with skateboarding, something to get out and have fun, and really nothing in my honest opinion is more fun than skateboarding. I am not too bad at skateboarding, no where near professional, or even amateur status, but I love doing it. It takes my mind off of everything and for the day I can just have a great time with my friends.

The thing that have been on my mind shouldn't and I feel like a fucking retard thinking about the things I have been thinking about. Even though my relationship with Anna Mclean has been over for almost 7 months, my mind still wanders back to her, and I couldn't tell anyone why. I spent the last 2 years with Anna, and she was important to me, what she did to me was horrible but when it was good, it was great. For the two years that I was with her she was the most important thing in my entire life.

I feel ashamed 7 months down the road thinking about her, and she would probably agree with me that I am pathetic. She is far away from here, and is enjoying her life, and I am still here thinking about her. (occasionally) I have to add that because she is never usually on my mind, there are other things I think about, but she is one of them. I don't care if she thinks about me, which she probably doesn't.

There is more to come, tomorrow. Right now I am tired, and need some sort of sleep.

Introducing

Hello everyone (or whoever is reading),

I don't really know what I am doing here. I guess I am writing to keep consistency in my life, to keep my memories sorted out, and hopefully I can do that, and hopefully this will help. I will try to use good grammar, and if I don't I am sorry.

My name is Casey Walts, just like what it says on the sidebar, and I am an aspiring writer. I was born in New Hampshire, and even though I did not stay long in the state of my birth somehow I would like to go visit someday. I have been there before, once with my father, but I was too young to really embrace anything. I guess it was because I was some what immature, and only wanted to do things I was really interested in, and now I am interested in my birth place. I was born Feb. 7th 1989, in Dartmouth, New Hampshire. I actually lived in Windsor, Vermont, even though I don't remember jack shit about Vermont, I could tell you that it was a beautiful place from what I do remember.

I started writing when I was younger, nothing really special, a lot of misspelled words. While I started writing, I started drawing. I never really liked drawing, even though it was a past time of mine, I guess I only did it hoping to be as great as my father was, hoping to get some sort of compliment from my father, even though my father was never one to give compliments. Writing was always so much easier for me to do. To tell stories that no one has ever thought of, trapped somewhere in my head, twisted around by my feelings and emotions. These stories are crafted by me, hoping that it will capture someone, and people will love reading it just as much as I love writing it. As F. Scott Fitzgerald has said:

"I don't write because I want to say something. I write because I have something to say."

This is me.
I have become something that i am proud of, and I will never change that for anyone. So read my blogs, this is just the first of many.
Thank you.